What would actually please people-pleasers?

 Do you remember that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Leonard is told by the whole group how he only does things to accommodate others and Penny nudges him to be more upfront about what he wants. While Leonard after little reluctance takes on the be-more-assertive route, it slowly takes a steep slope that no one sees it coming because he’s now “too blindsided” to run anything by anyone. And that’s where we need to talk about people-pleasing and find nuance there. 

Let’s get a crease straightened out first- the opposite of people pleasing is not people displeasing or too much of self-indulgence. It sounds like information anyone should know, but this happens more often than not: you are basically asking someone to act like a jerk …Really?

• If you’d like to, ask yourself what do you think of people pleasing? 
• Is it a choice? 
• Is it something someone would voluntarily put themselves through? 

Or is it something that has it’s roots growing deeper? Because if not, let me tell you that not being a people pleaser is much harder than you’d like.

Perhaps Taylor Swift is right, it is an emotional pathology.

A lot of things are synonymous with people pleasing behaviours- 

• Seeking validation
• Indecisiveness
• Feeling guilty for expressing needs
• Keeping a detailed account of things, dates, gestures, and everything else

It’s something more profound than simply not having a spine. 

Doesn’t it sound like people pleasing is a result of a lifetime spent not being the main character of your own life?

If I am unable to come up with a suggestion for what I want to eat for dinner and someone tells me that I need to be more self-assured, it is not something that will happen in the next instant. It’s as helpful as asking an anxious person to calm down. 

• People pleasing is validation seeking because someone wants to feel enough, or good enough.
• People pleasing is indecisiveness because making a choice feels new and change is threatening.
• People pleasing is feeling guilty because another person cannot be disappointed.
• People pleasing is having impeccable memory to prove just how much you care about birthdays, anniversaries, restaurant receipts, loving knick-knacks, and people.

It is not a show somebody puts for one time only. It’s a lifetime of rehearsals for a part you believe you’ll never get to play.

It is not a show somebody puts for one time only.

So, what do we do? The opposite of night is day, sure. But as much as cartoons would like you to believe that as the sun goes down, the moon shoots itself up, growing up we become wiser for it to know that it’s a transition. You need to get through twilight. People pleasers thrive in an atmosphere of joint decision-making, security, and comfort. When they know making a choice is not an obligation. Trust me, I can be a tough nut if you ask me to and if it’ll make you happy. However, I’ll just be at peace knowing that I have someone who respects my choices not demands them in one way or the other. 

Most importantly, the foundation of working on people pleasing is trust. For sometime some validation, acceptance, assurance can build a robust layer of trust where people pleasing behaviours are bound to transition into interdependence and mutual respect of needs. 

People-pleasers have for long been called doormats, pushovers, and what not. Does their agony need more stigmatising or empathy? If you take a step back you will see the effort that goes behind being mindful of nine things, but falling short of one, and then being apologetic hundred times over. Overcoming people pleasing is meticulous unlearning of specific behaviour patterns. It is building a nexus of coexistence with the old and new. 

Your people pleasing friend needs you- so when you ask for them to make a choice, respect it. Don’t make them feel more sorry for burdening you with the task of sharing decision-making. Hold their hands till they can take flight.

And remember, it’s not a blink of an eye transformation. 

It is going from night, through twilight, to reach daylight.